WARNING: HARRY POTTER SPOILERS WITHIN
There are somethings that everyone experiences once or twice in their life; getting trapped in a room full of naked women is one of these things. I clearly remember the first time it happened to me. I was eighteen years old and employed as a pizza delivery boy. I was on a routine run out to St Mary’s University in the mutant little town of Winona, MN. It was the summer time, probably in July- on a day not unlike this day.
When I pulled on to campus there weren’t any people around, which made sense because school wasn’t in session. I made my way to the dormitory on the pizza order; it looked deserted. I rang the buzzer and then waited. Nothing. Just when I was going to take off, something magical happened. The door was pulled open by… a hot chick in a bath towel. She was very excited to see me, and lead me into the dorm hallway- and there they were- dozens of other hot chicks wearing nothing but towels. (I know that many of you already think I’m full of it, but, I’m totally not. Why God let this happen before the invention of the camera phone, I don’t know; you’ll just have to take my word for it. )
I look a little awkward there... I had no idea how bad it would get.
Now, the normal reaction you see when some random guy walks in on a herd of feral women running around mostly nude is pretty negative. Guys, am I right? But, these where no ordinary feral women. They were a giant troupe of all girl soccer players staying on campus all weekend for an all girls soccer tournament- meaning there weren’t ANY dudes there at all. They were like starving derelicts attacking me like I was the dumpster behind a Perkins. “Oh, Mr. Pizza Boy, came hang out with us!”
“Pizza Man, get your picture taken with us”
“Over here, us too Pizza Inferno”
“No, pay attention to us! Pizza Stallion!”
“We hunger for your loins Darth Pizza Boy- Take us now!”
I’m pretty sure I started crying at some point, weeping tears of joy. They were all hot like Hermione, and I could tell they were interested in my magic wand. But then, like always, some uglies ruined it all.
Creepy Miss Hermione trying to freak us all out with her 19 going on 11 body... *shudders* -Picture courtesy of the Internet
“Blarg narg ahooga, Pizza Guy! Get over here now- We feed now!” …I kept crying. Three breasts from down the hall forcefully dragged me away from the sirens like some horrid high school soccer version of Cerberus into their hellish dorm room. They took their pizza, tipped me poorly, and kicked me out.
Later that evening, another call came in from the same address for more pizza. I stole the order from another driver, desperate to recreate the magic. It was no use, even the Half Blood Prince couldn’t have conjured that moment back up, not even if he was wearing his prosthetics from Galaxy Quest! More ugoes had ordered this pizza, and they met me outside the building. I would have to wait ten more years before this would happen again… (foreshadowing)
This is the owl bra.
So, for those of you who follow my sweet band maudlin, you know that we like playing bizarre shows. The more weird the better as far as I’m concerned. (As long as the weird part has nothing to do with the compensation…)
We were asked by Donette, a peach of a young lady who claims to wear one of our buttons on her lapel, to play a show to help raise money for Susan G Komen Breast cancer research. Charity and flattery both go a long way for us, however, throwing in a boob themed “Racktacular” with burlesque show and an art bra contest really pushed us over the edge.
It was a great show, and things were going well. We were hanging out, we were talking it up, and then we decided to go into the green room. When you’re famous you’re probably hiding there from fans, when your us you’re down there looking for free things. Sure enough, there were beverages and snacks… and changing girls.
The next girl actually bit her finger instead of the glove and had to go to the ER
The burlesque troupe from Lili’s Burlesque were also using the space for their costume changes. There was a little partition between the cookies and liquor and the area where the girls were getting read for their show. There wasn’t a whole lot of space and I just kind of tried to not look past the cookies. Jason snapped a picture of me with the ladies, and then went upstairs to get ready to take more pictures of the art bras. Priscilla and I sat downstairs in the green room a little longer… which turned out to be a little too long.
Before we had thought about when we were going to leave, it was time for the girls to start. They all filed up the stairs and waited in line to model the art bras. The way the club was set up, we’d have had to walk right past them and the stage to get back into the audience, and it didn’t seem like that would be appropriate. Priscilla said she was going to try it anyway. She deceivingly said she would go up the stairs and see if there was a clear path and then come and get me if there was.
She went up the stairs and never returned. …but the Lili’s girls did- and in a frantic hurry. One by one they came running down the stairs, some starting to shed the little clothes they were wearing as they went. They went towards the cookies and then came running back with new lingerie on. I was feeling awkward long before this, but now I was feeling really awkward. I positioned myself facing the stairs with my back to the cookie/naked parts area. I was pretty sure that they were all probably thinking, ‘why is this douche still here,’ but I could really find a good opening to run up and escape. Finally, I mustered the courage to ask a woman sprinting past undoing her bra.
My mom is going to yell at me when she sees this one
“Um, can I sneak up the stairs to get out of here, or should I just wait here?” I’m sure my voice was cracking like Harry Potter’s on a first date. “No,” was the reply. …Now, to be honest, I had no clue what that even meant. I went back to my space on the couch and tried to focus on twittering on my phone. [mrmaudlin -follow me!] Eventually, it was all over and I bolted back upstairs. By then it was time for our set, so I went right into setting up. Ironically, I didn’t even see most of the art bras until after the show when they were hanging up at the silent auction. …I did see lots of girl butts running up stairs though.
Here are the bars without the hot chicks...
Maudlin played a pretty hot set, and when it was all over we all decided we should end the night at Weber World. …only Jason had decided it was time to let his dog out to pee. So, he left the club with the only vehicle big enough to haul our gear fifteen minutes before the place closed and said he’d be right back when the dog was relieved. So we waited. And waited. …and waited. Eventually he came back and we all climbed around in the new fuselage room until like, four or five.
I have an art bra on too. ...but it's under my shirt.
So now it’s time for a new part of my blog that I’m going to call, “In Review.” …basically I’ll briefly review several things I’ve recently seen, heard or done. Ready?
The Talented Mr Riply: Finally got around to seeing this one because Target has it on sale for $2.99. …This whole movie is basically one giant documentary about how huge Matt Damon’s teeth are.
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Wizard: Hermione still doesn’t get naked in this one, and Harry Potter hasn’t been killed, bludgeoned, or cruelly maimed yet either. I’m hoping for the best with the next one. Still, you can’t really dislike a children’s movie where a goth gang throws and old man out a window to plummet to his death can you? I can’t.
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