2012 and Other Boring Ways For the World to End.

2 03 2011

Compliments of Priscilla's sketch book. My wife draws murdering dinosaurs for fun- eat your heart out!

By now you’ve all heard about the ancient Mayan calendar that predicts that Jerry Bruckheimer’s movies will all be so bad by December of 2012 that even just seeing a billboard for one will kill you.  (Amazing information to glean from a calendar written by people who have been dead for over a millennium!)  But, maybe you haven’t heard about some of the other dumb ways people think our planet may plummet into a bizarre Mad Max sequel.  Solar flares.  These could come and wipe out all the electricity globally.  How about the super volcano? It’s right underneath YOU Wyoming.  Good luck with that.  Or, what about the next animal flu?  Birds and pigs are one thing, but what the hell will we do when we get something REALLY bad, like Shark Flu?

Now, I agree with all the naysayers- I’m going to die.  I even agree that the world will end sometime.  AND, I’m not even worried about that one.  I know some dead people already, it will be nice to catch up.  Plus, if we all die, I’ll know a lot more dead people. Also all the people who have had near death experiences say really nice things about being dead.  …Except for the ones who say they went to hell… So, what AM I concerned with here?  Well, I’ll tell you.  I’ve seen some of these movies.  The Road?! …thanks for that one Cormic- what a great combination of boring and morbidly depressing.   The Happening?! Sometimes when I see M Night Shyamalan’s flicks I think he puts crap out, sits back, waits, and then says “What, people still came out to see this one? Really? Ok, ok, I can still do worse.”  (Rather than link you to what ‘The Happening’ really is, I’ve embedded a video by the same name that you will enjoy more.)

Folks, what scares me more than anything is being trapped in a boring post apocalyptic world, watching the world blandly expire. Barf.

So, what’s the solution? How can you stop the inevitable? Can we really launch Bruce Willis into space with a nuclear warhead every time an asteroid comes by? Not realistic.  But maybe, just maybe, if we’re all going to die anyway, we can have a little bit of fun with it.  Eh? So, I’m sure you all know what I’m thinking of- Zombies AND Dinosaurs.  Duh. Can the Gub-ment stop the massive tidal wave of destruction?  The guys who try to fix a leak of harmful oil in the ocean by dumping more harmful chemicals in on top of it?  Ask any of the guys who helped clean up the Exon Valdez spill- oh wait, they’re all dead now… Nope, not likely.  But, as always, I’m sure they’ll know all about it before some terrible, terribly boring disaster takes place.  So, all I’m asking for, is for them to implement my simple Zombie/Dinosaur plan of action about… lets say, one year before things get really crappy.

See, this looks like much more fun, right?

Where will they get Zombies and Dinosaurs? Well, I would like to think that first we would try Zombie viruses, and Jurassic Park style DNA experiments.  But, if all else fails, we could always go animatronic.    Once they’ve figured out the ‘how’ they just need to mass produce both, and then release the Zombies and Dinosaurs into the unsuspecting populous.  Now granted, some people won’t like this.  Maybe some people don’t even know how to kill a zombie or out smart a velociraptor,  but I think we can all agree they would be the minority.  They would also be the very first to die, leaving behind a wealth of firearms and canned goods for the rest of us.

Now, of course, none of us would be able to survive forever with millions of zombies swarming and a hundred deadly species of dinosaurs roaming around, thirsty for blood.  However, the fast paced thrill ride would be just the shot of adrenalin we need.  And the colorful sights and sounds produced by the new monsters would keep our imaginations preoccupied and, dare I say, enchant us, up until the quick-ish painful end- Eaten alive in an entertaining, honorable, and fulfilling death, long before boring natural disasters ravage our already lifeless planet.  I guess it would suck to be the Dinosaurs in that scenario though… back on top… for a second,  and then boom!  Another boring asteroid extinction.

Just a photo of me running from a T-Rex I already had lying around, I'm sure you've got tons too

I know what you’re thinking- WTF?! Why hasn’t anyone else thought of this yet? I have no idea.  I can only hope that Uncle Sam already has and they’re just waiting for the right time to surprise us!  Lets all keep our fingers crossed!

David

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“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” …except for the first part…

2 04 2009

The last month has been so crappy I was ready to change the URL of this site to www.fmylife.com …but that’s already a site.  So I didn’t.  Where too begin… We found that we could fund our dig for another three years if we  went to a theme park and signed off on it with our approval, little did we know that Newman was going to turn off the power grid and let all the dinosaurs lose.  Just kidding.  The truth is much worse than being hunted by Velociraptors

So, like a month ago I cotracted the dreaded bird flu.  I was trapped on the toilet with a bucket in my lap for days, and it totally sucked.  Then, as soon as I got over that, I immediately got a really bad cold, and Priscilla got it too.  The colds lasted for about three weeks until they started to get better, and Priscilla’s developed in pneumonia before it was all over.

THEN, Priscilla was driving our Ford focus in an ice storm and went off a freeway onramp spinning around into the guardrails and our car was completely totalled.  $12,000 worth of damage.  That sucks.  So we needed a new car last minute, and being musicians we don’t usually have scads of cash lying around for down payments… But we were able to get a new car, a Honda Element, which was cool because we’d been thinking about getting one of those for our next car anyway…

BUT THEN stuff got poopier.  Our new Element got broken into by someone, they smashed the drivers side window and hit the door, which sent glass flying everywhere including the ventilationsystem… $1600 worth of damage.  And he stole my GPS that wasn’t even out in the open… so it was a really lucky guess, or they had staked out our car before… So we’ll probably have to move soon too because this place sucks so much.

AND, I just got the flu again.

All this when we really should be paying attention to the radio promo that’s going on for our new album, but we’re not, we’re sitting around in our dirty little apartment which hasn’t been cleaned since the plague struck.  These recent events have sucked both the will to live and to blogout of me, so, I missed a few entries I wanted to do, including the story about how I accidentally kicked a bouncer in the balls.  I actually started that, got done, forgot to save, it got deleted, and I hate everything too much to rewrite it.  We’re supposed to be taping a tv show on Saturday and my hairstylist is out on maternity leave too.  WTF?

I still feel like my butt, and the world has passed on with out the Priebe’s… I have no clue what’s going on.  We’ll have to look into that…

That’s all for now…

David








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