It started out like any Maudlin adventure; something went wrong. Priscilla gave me a call on Thursday at work and she was having an asthma attack. I’m sure that normally sucks, but it was a little extra sucky/odd because Priscilla didn’t have asthma. I got worried and decided to leave work and go check on her. Well, apparently, now ahe does have asthma… So she wasn’t very excited about that, but she was ok. To make things worse, we were out of cat food. Both of our cats had already given us verbal warnings about the issue, and we decided that we couldn’t go out of town without getting more food. Jason’s girlfriend of seven years had also just dumped him a few nights before. (This didn’t really have anything to do with our departure time, but it’s a recent event that I thought should be added ) All and all, we got on the road for Chicago a little late.
We got off the road at about 1:00 AM in Dubuque, IA. Jason’s folks have a house boat there and we climbed aboard and watched that horrible train wreck of a film about cheerleaders with Kirstin Dunst. This is kind of a traditional houseboat film. …if you’re not familiar with houseboats. In addition, it is also unrelated to the story at large, which has to do with us going to Chicago to play a show.
Chicago is a big city. Some people seem to think that this also means that it has strange and evil powers, like traffic the likes of which, no mortal has ever lived tell!! …but, mostly, it’s a big city… so it has more cars. Minneapolis sports fewer cars, but also fewer competent drivers, so we are able to create similar drive times with half the people. No one striped our vehicle while we were inside a gas station and liquidated the parts in mere seconds while we tried to pay for gas… this is another urban legend.
But that doesn’t mean Chicago was free of crime- Not one bit. They actually charge you to go up in the Sears tower to look around. I kid you not. They charge you to look out of their tall building’s windows… We didn’t figure this out until we were half way through the 45 minute wait to get to the elevator. Once we were that far, we decided we’d better go all the way.
So we waited… and waited… and waited. 
…and finally we got crammed into an elevator like sardines with about fifty other tourists and rocketed to the top. …which wasn’t really the top… it was the 99th of 127 floors, which was as high as they would let us go.
When we got out there were windows. From the windows you could see the whole city, all fifteen dollars worth! There was also a gift shop where you could buy a card board cut outs of Obama? …my guess is they based their selections for the gifts for the 99th floor after seeing the affects of high altitudes and depleted oxygen on the human brain; no healthy person would have bought anything there. And then, just when I thought our lack luster journey couldn’t lack less luster, something awful happened- I had to crap.
Now, we all know the value of the “home thrown advantage,” but, when you can’t be at home, you usually try to find a low traffic, a safe looking spot. …this was not that spot. Here, at the top of the western hemisphere, in a small bathroom where countless touring hoards had shat before me, I relieved myself. Not much is known about the long term effects of high altitude deification, so I can only hope for the best.
Also, in Chicago, we played a show. I’m pretty sure that I plugged this website more times in one interview, than anyone has ever plugged any website in any interview. So, I’m really hoping that when they put the video up there’s something good on my front page. Anyway, we sounded like ass I’m pretty sure. Naturally people still said that it was great, and we took the praise, but it was a little sub par. My friend Craig came to see us, and he said that we sounded good… but he’s a pastor, so I’m pretty sure that’s all he’s allowed to say. I blame Jason’s girlfriend for dumping him and putting a kink in our normally rigorous practice schedule. Normally when we’re feeling like pouty rock stars we like to throw TV sets out hotel windows, but we were staying with friends, and they did very specifically say we were not allowed to do that.
So, after Chicago, we were off to Green Bay- or rather, De Pere, a suburb of Green Bay. After driving for seven hours in Chicago traffic we’d finally reached the outskirts of the metro area, where the McDonalds City is over the tollway. I think it’s five miles from downtown. We ate at KFC in the overpass land, because a recent news article had dared us to temp fate.
When we got to Green Bay we were welcomed by a kindly man with a jackknife tattooed on his neck. He showed us to the complimentary green room foods where we awaited our performance. This place was a riot. I’ve never seen so many people who wanted a good time. It was a great show, and, of course, we killed it. (Like in a good way. Not like we actaully killed anyone or the event itself; like we played well.) They made Chicago look pretty unhip; it was very ironic. Scantily clad women attacked me while I was playing, which was a rock star first for me. …didn’t look like it was a first for them. Anyway, great show. Don’t underestimate the cheaderheads people. After we were done our pals the Melismatics played and I showed Pony how to kill a man with my Tae Kwon Do prowess when the show was over.
Naturally, after we left, we were pulled over by the police for suspected drunk driving. Now, even though Jason was taking us down a one way in the not-so-right direction, one look at him should have reassured them that he was not a raging alcoholic. Wisconsin cops are all total d-bags when you’re from Minnesota though. It’s an unwritten code. So Jason had to do a field sobriety test. …which he failed. Sure that they had their man, they followed up with a breathalyzer. Jason scored a 0.0, which, for this game is high score. Baffled by his lack of coordination, the police let him go. …but not before harassing Priscilla for taking picture and trying to tell her that it was illegal to do so. …It’s not.
COP: “Those better not show up one of those internet youtube sites!”
Anyway. after that we went to a Super 8 motel. We did this because Little Man’s wife had told us that this Super 8 was voted best in the country and had an awesome breakfast and such. Well, with a build up like that we should have known something was wrong. Super 8 doesn’t even track which of it’s motels are best, the actually just track least number of fatalities from the poison waffle mix. It was awful. Also, the guy didn’t haggle with me. Hotels all haggle. When you roll in at 3:30 in the morning, you don’t pay full price for a hotel room, that would be dumb. You always say something like, “hey, it’s already 3:30, what could you do on a room till morning?” If I learned nothing else from William Shatner, I know you can bargain with hotels. Usually we get about 40% off with a line like that. …this dude was like, “no.” Then he later upgraded us to a six dollar discount which he seemed to think was pretty generous. He looked like sloth.
Anyway, so after we left in the morning and found food that was edible, we returned to the land o lakes and then went to sleep. Casualties? One. Priscilla’s green hoodie that had little ears sewn into it from when she tried to be Battle Cat ne Halloween. Where it went, no one knows. …but I think Sloth did it.
David
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